Monday, June 29, 2009

Happy one week birthday Hazel and 30th, Eric!

I totally spaced the other day (the 27th) and forgot to give a birthday shout out to my husband- Happy 30th sweetie- you are the best and I love you. I am blessed to have you as my help-mate, best friend, and husband.

And happy one week birthday Hazel!

Now, on to hormone induced topics....

So, Adler is spending a few days camping with E's parents. He was excited but I was feeling pretty sad about having him away. And then to top it off, last night when I called to tell him goodnight, he didn't want to talk to me. There were tears, let me tell you (mine.) Ad and I, especially the past few months, have really become partners. Staying at home, I have him basically at my side 24-7. I am really feeling pretty sad about not having him to myself anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am loving having Hazel here and would never want anything different. But its bittersweet, because it means giving up something with Adler. I think he will be fine with it once he adjusts, but will I? I want to continue to give him what I always have, and I know that's not possible. I miss my little guy, and the time we spend together. I know things will eventually even out. I know that I will find time to have two arms to hug him again, two hands and undivided attention to play with him. Logically I know that, but it doesn't stop the ache in my heart to have it readily available for him at all times. I was prepared to feel guilt over not being able to spend as much time with Ad as we are both accustomed to. As a matter of fact, it was one of the first emotions I had when I found out I was pregnant in the first place. What I wasn't prepared for was the intense longing I have to hug and love on Adler, to assure him that I love him even more than I did yesterday, that his world is the same, and to continue to do all the things that I did with him before, that maybe I didn't even particularly always want to do, like bathe him or sing him 200 songs before bed.

I remember when I had Adler, I went through this same thing, on a larger scale, but in the midst of the excitement and joy of having him, I mourned the loss of the time I had to spend with Eric and also myself. It did take a long time to get my groove back, to find our place as a family of 3. And now, I can't IMAGINE my family without Ad. I can't think of a time I was happier than when Adler has been in our life. My relationship with E and the person that I am now is so much richer because of that little boy. And I know that Hazel will do the same thing to our family. Its just the adjusting part that is sort of tricky!

4 comments:

aunt vickie said...

Oh, my darling girl... how full of God you are... your cup truly runneth over and spilleth onto the page for us to see... God IS love, you know... and He is the source of the overwhelming love for your husband, your son and your daughter that spills out of you to color the world you live in... you are, indeed, blessed among women... and with God doing the tweeking, your adjustments will be made before you know it...

P.S. Happy Birthday, Eric1

Erica said...

Yes, just as much as it is a blessing for the new addition, it is also a huge transition and change and loss from what you had before. It is good that you are acknowledging it and allowing yourself to process and feel what your heart is feeling, because that and your Faith will get you through it. This, too, shall pass, and the 4 member family unit that you are now will grow and develop and be the beautiful entity that it is blessed to be.

I am so glad you liked the card! I am sending you love!

Sarah Craig said...

The other night I crawled into bed next to Ryan and had this moment of overwhelming sadness because I just thought- this is it. It's over. It's just been the two of us for 5 years. We are obviously so thrilled to finally have a little one join our family, but there is definitely some "transition" sadness because things will never be the same as they were before. That's FABULOUS but also a little sad.

Janet T (Clinton's other sister) said...

Dear sweet Ashley, you most definitely have a true Mother's heart, and it's a delight and blessing to behold! Both of your children are so blessed and lucky to have you as their mom (and Eric as their Dad!). You are so full of love, and i don't think either of your children will ever feel like they've had anything less than all of it. Since Gatlin is an only child, I never had to experience the kind of transition you are, but i remember feeling kind of like that about the thought of not being pregnant anymore, especially towards the end of the 9 months. I could hardly wait to actually hold Gatlin and love on him in person, but at the same time I loved every moment of being pregnant...of having him all to myself and literally a part of me, if you know what i mean. I was one of the really lucky pregnant women, with no morning sickness at all, so the whole 9 months was enjoyable! I used to literally lay in bed for hours (on my days off) just watching my belly roll with the pokes and kicks... i loved how it looked and how it felt, and i knew i would miss that special and magical part of life. There's definitely a sweet sadness to being a mother... we rejoice over the milestones in our children's lives while at the same time we mourn how quickly those milestones seem to come.
Okay, i'm probably not making sense, and i'm most likely rambling on and on...which i tend to do and which is why i seldom even try to post comments anymore, so i'm going to sign off, okay? I love you, Ashley, and I think you are an amazing mother, and I'm so proud of the truly beautiful woman you are! Can hardly wait to see all of you again, and to meet little Hazel!