So, I am not one for heavy blog posts. Its just really not my style. But I have something on my heart that I just need to confess publicly.
Yesterday, our preacher, continuing his study on the book of Acts, talked about how Christians got their name and what it meant, the difference between being called Christians and actually being Christians. He talked some about servitude and it really touched me. I prayed yesterday for more of a servant heart, in my home, with my husband and son, with my family and friends, at church, and in the community. So often, I get the attitude that I “deserve” to rest, to spend my free time on me, to get my breaks when Adler is sleeping….and so on. And while God does give us our day of rest and tells us that there are times for everything, including rest and laughter, he also calls us to sacrifice. In Romans 12, it talks about offering ourselves as living sacrifices to Him and in Hebrews 13, to do good and share with others, because these kinds of sacrifices please Him. I think that selfish desire to please me can be such a hindrance in walking closely with God and being the person he has called me, as a Christian, as a wife, as a mother, to be. I will never be that person, will never reap the blessings of the roles I play, until I can completely give over my own will and accept the lot that God has given me. I think that is why I was so moved by the Casting Crowns CD we recently got. Maybe God was preparing my heart when we bought that CD a few weeks ago. Track 6, called “Somewhere in the Middle” has these lines (although they are all moving, you should check it out)
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control…
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle—
Am I the only one that feels caught in the middle sometimes? Between being the person that I want to be and completely surrendering to the person that He wants me to be?
So, all that to say, last night, God has given me a new way to be a servant, to surrender to His will. I didn’t expect Him to be so quick and call me to the task so suddenly. I mean, I still feel very much in the middle. And although there is absolutely no turning back, I feel scared and reluctant. I pray for both the brokenness and the strength that I need for this one.